The first time I ever had sex, it was queer group sex. A few months after getting my driver’s license, I pulled up to the slumber party where, somewhere between our games of truth-or-dare, my fingers found themselves fiddling beneath the waistbands of the other two girls in attendance. At the time, I hadn’t “counted” this little threesome as my sexual debut. Young and buried in the closet, I still believed that P-in-V intercourse—and only P-in-V intercourse— "counted” as sex.
But a decade later, when I found myself at on my back at a sex party with two queer cuties riding each of my hands, the similarities between the scenes forced me to unpack the ways group sex has been, and still is, my way of coming to terms with my own queer sexuality since my sexual debut. Not merely a means of collecting story fodder or accessing novelty, but as a way of bucking sexual norms and claiming my queerness loud and proud in a public sphere.
Of course, it’s important to note that not all queer folks want or crave multi-person play. “Group sex can be important for some people, but it isn’t for everyone,” says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. Much like any other sexual activity or position—like the oh-so-polarizing 69, or doggy style—some pleasure-seekers enjoy it, and others would rather get a colonoscopy than partake.
“You do not have to have group sex to prove that you are queer,” says Wright. Actually, you never have to prove your sexuality to be that sexuality, you just have to be. “Group sex is just one on a list of many ways to take action to affirm your queer identity, should you even want to do so,” she says. (Also on that list: Listen to queer podcasts, read LGBTQ+ history books, watch movies with gay protagonists, march in a Pride parade, and follow people with a variety of queer experiences on social media.)
But for me, group play has been a game changer. It’s helped me melt away shame, experience pleasure, feel part of the queer community, and fight back against the limiting sex myths I was taught as a tween. Here’s how.
Queer Group Sex Spaces Are Queer Community Spaces.
In the past, I’ve organized threesomes or more-somes either through Feeld (a queer-positive dating app for the sexually curious) or word of mouth. (For the record, “Hey, any interest in kissing me and my partner on Saturday?” texts are surprisingly well-received). I’ve also bought tickets to group sex parties hosted by third-party organizers or sex clubs.
The experience of having group sex with mutuals in my own home is incredibly different than having it with random people or acquaintances at a ticketed event. I personally find both settings to be identity-affirming and incredibly rich with pleasure. But one element that’s rung true no matter the setting? Community is at the center.
Whether the space is filled with just two additional bodies, 20, or 200, I’ve always left a group sex scene feeling like I’m part of something larger than myself. Specifically, something queer and sex-positive.
Wright says this is a common experience amongst group sex attendees and participants. “Queer folks often feel misunderstood by mainstream culture,” she says. “Finding a place and space that encourages sex and exploration can provide a sense of community that’s deeply needed for queer folks.”
Group Sex Helps Me Shed Shame.
As someone who was aware of my own queerness from a young age, my first sexual experiences—which happened with people of similar genders to my own—happened in hidden spaces. The efforts we took to conceal our activities weren’t about keeping those encounters private, but about keeping them secret—not because we were doing anything wrong, but because we were two girls in love at the start of the century.
It's been two decades since my physical expressions of desire were relegated to unsupervised sleepovers, locked janitor closets, and locker rooms after-hours. Yet, the internalized belief that my sexuality should be as hidden as possible still lingers. These days, the impulse to hide still reveals itself from time to time. I still think twice before grabbing another girl's hand in public, defer to the term “partner” rather than the more-gendered “girlfriend” even when it’s applicable, and avoid most off-line conversations about my dating life. Internalized biphobia, as it turns out, is a bitch.
But group sex allows (and actually encourages) me to express physical affection in front of others, no matter the gender of my play partner(s). It allows me to take my gay ass sex out from behind closed doors and put it into the public-ish sphere. And in doing so, it soothes the teenage part of me who learned through secret rendezvous that her desires were “bad.”
Group Sex De-Centers Heteronormative Sex.
Between half-assed sex education and limited media representations of what can qualify as sex, most of us are taught that sex is defined exclusively as a (one) penis jack-rabbiting a (one) vagina.
As a result, queer and curious folks for whom the above is not anatomically possible or gender-aligned have to discover through trial and error, lick and flick, stroke and suck, what sex can mean to them. Personally, I’ve come to the understanding that sex can be anything that feels like sex to me and my partner(s), which gives it both an elusive and expansive quality. Meanwhile, Wright defines sex as any solo, partnered, or multi-partnered meaningful act of pleasure. All in all, sex can be different for everyone, but what’s true across the board for queer folks is that it’s more than a cisgender man inserting his penis into a cisgender woman.
Much like queer sex, group sex—even amongst individuals who do not all identify as queer—often de-centers penile-vaginal intercourse. “Group sex rarely conforms to notions of what a man and a woman are ‘supposed’ to do during sex,” says bisexuality activist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, sex expert for Fun Factory, and Cosmopolitan’s very own “Navigating Non-Monogamy” columnist. “During group sex, I'm often getting pegged by cis women while sucking someone's dick… or about a hundred other non-traditional positions that affirm my queer identity.”
Largely, this is because there are more than just two bodies interacting during group sex, and the geometry and rhythms of multiple people simply lends itself better to manual and oral sex positions than penetrative ones. Take it from me, it is much easier to facilitate pleasurable play between three bodies in a triangle of lick and suck than it is in a daisy chain.
FYI, Straight Folks Also Can, and Do, Enjoy Group Sex.
Let the official record show that while group sex has done valiant work stretching the definition of sex for me, not all people who enjoy group sex are queer. You can be straight and still love group sex! In fact, most public group sex spaces like swingers resorts and clubs are geared specifically for straight folks, according to Zane, who says it’s a good bet a group sex event is for straight people unless it's otherwise explicitly stated.
It’s also worth noting that self-declaration is the determinant of sexuality, not sexual activity, so there are some straight folks who sexually interact with people of a similar gender to themselves during group sex while maintaining their straight identity.
Queer and Interested in Group Sex? Seek Out a Sex Party!
If the idea of organizing a get-together gets you pumped, have at it! But for someone who doesn’t want to or can’t host, I suggest dipping your toes (and tips and tits) into the wonderful realm of group sex by attending a sex party organized by a third party org.
Admittedly, sex parties in general can be a little hard to find for individuals who aren't already in regular attendance. Word of mouth reigns supreme as far as orgies are concerned. So, if a Google deep-dive doesn’t bring up any options in your area, Zane recommends getting on FetLife (an online social and networking platform for sexual non-conformists) and trying to meet other queer people in the sex-positive community who also frequent sex parties. “FetLife also hosts ‘munches,’ which are nonsexual meetups to meet other kinky folks,” he says.
Attend one of these and you’ll be able to ask about which queer sex parties they recommend, he says. If you’re lucky, they might even invite you to go with them, so you're not heading there alone. And be sure to scan the party’s description for mentions of queer inclusivity, he suggests. Many sex parties for queer people have names that imply just that, such as Rainbowgasm, BISLUT, and Taste The Rainbow.
Remember: Even if you get to the middle of the action at a sex party, you can tap out at any time, notes Wright. “You never have to participate in anything you don’t want to,” she says. “What’s most important is that you are comfortable and acting in ways that align with your personal limits, desires, and values.”
Sure, group sex really does it for this particular queer (hi!), but it absolutely does not have to excite or entice you in order for you to be or feel queer! The beauty of being queer is that it defies norms, not rewrites them.
